Never been more excited for a year to be over

Today is the last day...of the worst year of my life thus far. THANK GOD it's over!  I'm holding the door open, ready to give 2012 a swift kick in the ass and help it get the F out. This year was plagued by tragedy..not only for me, but for the world. With each new year...comes new hope, new dreams and hopefully new miracles. We're all ready to hit the reset button and start over. Is it just a facade that a new year brings new hope? Or is it the same stagnate realities with an extra number attached to it? Only time will tell.

All I'll ever remember about the year 2012 is that it was the year my baby died. That's it. All other smiles, giggles, firsts, & joyous occasions are erased and over written with sorrow. You see, the beginning of this years focus was just getting pregnant. The middle of this years focus was keeping that baby safe, and the end of this year was consumed with mourning the loss of that life. My 2012 was consumed.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March will be difficult. Forget about September ...I can't even think about the end of that month. I even hate saying the name "September". I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Joe and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger.  My resolution for 2013 is to live each day and not just exist. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and a bunch of sleepless nights filled with baby kisses.

THIS HAS TO BE MY YEAR!

Conversation cut too short

Candy Cane Martini

Need a cocktail to serve over Christmas?    I got ya' covered!

CANDY CANE MARTINI

                                                                                                

Ingredients

• 1.5 oz. vodka
• 1.5 oz. white crème de cacao
• 1 oz. peppermint schnapps
• Ice

Preparation

1. In a shaker, combine the ice, vodka, white crème de cacao and peppermint schnapps.
2. Shake the drink vigorously until well mixed.
3. Crush candy canes with a rolling pin or other heavy object between wax paper sheets.
4. Dip rim of chilled martini glass in water and then dip wet rim into crushed candy canes.
5. Pour drink into glass and garnish with a mini candy cane.

 

Be the change

Today marks 3 months since I lost. Lost dreams, lost a future of magical moment, lost a family, but most importantly...lost a person I created with another incredible human being. Can't you just imagine how incredible this little person would have been?
At the 3 month mark, I have such a different perspective on September 22nd than I did on that day. I would have done things differently. I don't linger too long in the compartment of regret. I was a blissful new mommy who was told "You are having a baby today and they will NOT survive". I have done an inconceivable amount of crying, some healing, and most importantly...growing during those 3 months.
I can not change what happened. I can not have my baby back. How I see it...you have 2 choices.
Wallow in how my life has taken an unforeseeable change for the worse and do nothing OR make a positive impact. I truly believe God chose me to carry an angel he never planned on letting survive in this physical world because I have a voice (as each of you know). God gave me that voice the day I was born and it hasn't quieted yet...so why should now be any different? He knew I could speak up and make a difference.
I have reached out to so many BL mama's who otherwise might not have a lending ear. I've sent them something to let them know we are all connected. We all have a forever hole in our heart that no one else understands or sees. There is no connection like the moment when you hear another woman say "I too lost a baby". And I don't mean a MC at 6 weeks. While there is heart break attached to that, it just isn't the same.

I hope to continue God's work & to find ways to inspire people to be kind and generous. We are all hurting in one way or another and could use a little more love. Remember that when you lock eyes with a stranger. You have no idea what they are going through. Be kind.

While everyone is enjoying this Christmas with their children, all I have is a tiny urn filled with my baby's ashes. And believe it or not, a small part of me is thankful to even have that...as many other mama's out there don't have anything to hold from their angels.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

Is it a gift?

What do you consider to be an unforeseen gift? Our first counseling session provided a different prospective on our dark situation. She actually feels that this time Joe and I were given...is a gift. Time is considered a gift. Time to build on our individual strengths, and enhance an already strong marriage. This time will allow us to create a foundation to build a family on. It was uncovered and openly admitted that I don't actually "live". I live my life for one sole purpose...to be a Mother. I don't enjoy the ride. I only have my sight set on the finish line. I neglect everything else in my life..including me.

What I DO know...is that I was chosen. Chosen to carry out a mission for awareness. A voice. To help others who are timid, to grow strength. So many mothers across the country have contacted me, after seeing this blog, needing an ear. Needing to connect. This is the gift I know I have received.

I read an article that every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.

We cannot understand God's ways, but when we believe that everything happens for a reason and that nothing is random, hopefully that will help the grieving process.

Clearly, we want healthy children and easy pregnancies. But for whatever reason, certain souls do not need to come into this world, and I, for whatever reason, carried such a soul.

Embrace the gift that you've been given.

News Flash: It's not any easier

"They" said time would heal. "They" said I would move on. "They" said I'd be Ok. "THEY" were wrong.
You went away. How dare you.
It's been 11 weeks and 2 days..I am in just as much pain. I'm not ok. I was torn down within minutes and it's going to be a work in progress to build back up again. Especially since Joe and I are "trying" again to build a family. I struggle with trying again in fear that it = moving on. Replacing. That is NOT the case. This process is all so overwhelming. Shots daily, blood and ultrasound every 2 days. The physical headaches, the disappointments, all to love a child. Please God..don't do this to me again. I won't survive it. That will be the end of me. I'm a fighter, I'm trying my hardest, but it's taking every ounce of energy I can muster up..to progress. I keep seeing quotes about if God put the dream in your heart, he'll make that dream come true. I'm hanging by a thread.
I talk to the tiny urn that contains my baby's ashes every morning. It's almost time for you to be here...but instead, you reside on my dresser. How dare you. I miss you. I'll never be over you.

http://unspokengrief.com/shattered-dreams

 

Baby Mamott's Christmas Stocking

This Holiday season started out a little rough for us with our hearts aching for what we know is missing.
Through grief comes education and inspiration. I have been inspired through numerous avenues to help make someones darker days, a little brighter.
This year I hope to inspire YOU by helping to fill Baby Mamott's Christmas Stocking with Kindness. This baby has brought people together, inspired me to be more kinder, generous and patient. I hope that this project sparks a chain reaction of beautiful gifts coming your way too.

How to fill the stocking: Between December 1st - 22nd, Please leave a comment each and every time you perform an act of kindness & generosity. The act of kindness that is greatest or the person who fulfills the most acts, will have a sizable donation made to the MARCH OF DIMES from Joe & I in your name.


Click HERE to see the Projects own page!


 

Project Thankful - day 19

Thankful to wake up in my "Happy Place" with not a cloud in the sky. My only agenda for the day is to work on adding color to my already sunburned body. I'm sitting here, typing this thankful message as I sip my coffee from our balcony on such a glorious morning.

Project Thankful - day 16

today, i am thankful for the small reminders that god puts in our paths, to remind us that we dont have it so bad.

A delicious shot to get you through the Holidays

CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL

So damn good, you won't just have 1

1/3 part Pinicale Whip Vodka (Its whipped cream vodka)

2/3 part Franggelico

lick back of hand and add salt

Lick Salt and do shot....

you'll thank me later :-)

Project Thankful - day 12

I am thankful for lending ears. I carry a huge weight everyday. It wears me down. It's all I know. It's consuming. And yet people still let me talk and they listen as though it's the first day. It seems to be the only way to lessen the overwhelming pain. When I release the torture that has consumed my heart, I move on...until the next break down. This is the cycle that I imagine I'll probably be on for the rest of my life. I'm just thankful that I have people who will listen.

Project Thankful - day 11

I haven't blogged for project thankful in several days. Being thankful wasn't an emotion that lived within me for the past week. I mean deep down I'm sure I could sit and think of reasons to be thankful, hell, I'm alive right?! But for the past week I feel as though I've been sleep walking. Experiencing an out of body & mind existence. Wasn't sure if I just did something or even just said something. Honestly..just existing. I realized I haven't been feeling. I'm afraid this non-existence of feelings will become habitual. Will I eventually love again? Don't get me wrong..I love what I've already loved..but will I love something new? Will I experience any feeling other than sadness and hurt?
Anyway- I AM thankful. While my feelings bank is out of whack..I am thankful that each day I wake up alive, gives me another opportunity to work on who I will become.
I am thankful for the 3 people who molded who I was, and hopefully the best of those qualities will prevail.
I am thankful for my Papa..who we jokingly say "who made me the nut I am". He taught me about details. Doing things the right way, the first time. While the negative of this is worry, perfection, and tightly wound..the beauty of this gift is creativity, attention to detail and organization. I am able to fix things, think through, and prepare. All qualities that help you succeed in life and career. I am a leader because of these traits.
I am thankful for my Mommy. For the obvious reason of giving me life, but for giving me her intelligence. I am just like her in "cutting through the layers of life". (Basically...we both can see through bullshit!) She also gave me her memory. Like an elephant, right mama?! One trait about me that drives my Mom a little nuts and doesn't quite understand...is how I make things over the top. She's more simplistic. What she doesn't understand is that I actually got that trait from her. My most fondest of memories of her are when she made events magical for me. I'll never forget my Christmas mornings with her. From Santa making a mess of the cookies I left out for him, or how the presents were displayed, or how she made me believe that SHE believed Santa was at our house. I too, want to make all my moments magical. I look forward to the day where I make my baby's special moments magical, just like you did for me.
And then there's my Grandma. She has taught me love & compassion. My need to take care of - comes from her. My roots of marriage come from her. I am thankful for her giving me the strong personality I have. The "I'm not taking your shit" Irish attitude. You know the bulldog in me?..yea, that's all her. It's a lot to handle for some, but it's what has protected me and gotten me through. The trait that drives her nuts is my mouth..but guess what, that comes from her too! :-) She's taught me to be a strong, assertive woman. I wish more women were like this. The strength she's taught me...is what's gonna get me through this.

I am THANKFUL for those 3 people that have molded me to be a fighter!

Project Thankful - Day 4

Today, I am thankful for ABILITY.
That I'm able to pick up a baby and only feel pure love, despite the hole in my heart.
That I'm able to spend a Sunday afternoon with a friend.
Thankful that some people have the God-given ability of clairvoyance to pass on messages that need to be heard.
That I am able to have a Guardian angel who watches over me & makes herself known when given the chance.
That I am able to make tomorrow, how ever I want it to be.

Project Thankful - Day 3

Today- I am thankful to be employed. While I've always dreamed of being a stay at home wife/mother, to have a job I like going to everyday, is a blessing. If it weren't for the blessing of an understanding company, I would have never been able to make all those doctors appointments.
Without employment, I wouldn't have insurance...which with fertility and everything that has happened the past 2 months..has been a life saver. Without a job...I wouldn't have had the money to BUY A NEW SUV TODAY!

30 days of Thankful - Day 2

 

Today - I am just plain ol' thankful for this guy!

 

My rock, my buddy, my best friend, my everything. We all know I'm not the easiest person to love, yet he does it beautifully, without blinking an eye. I've waited a long time for this guy, and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me with him. I love you Buddy!

 



30 days of Thankfulness - Day 1

Just because I've been knocked down, doesn't mean I'm still not thankful for all I have been given.
I am thankful that on November 1st, I made it through a surgery with a fresh clean slate. I am able to continue to carry positive thoughts for the future. I am thankful for the wonderful doctor that I have, who knows my struggles and loves me more because of them. And for the husband I have been blessed with, who has been in and out of the hospital with me and always supportive. November 1st marked a new beginning.



My conversation with God

I found God on the corner of "Easy Street" & "how did this become my life". We were all alone. He said ask anything. I asked where you been? Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days became dark. My life derailed. I fell to his knees, lost and insecure. Where were you? You were late. You found me, found me lying on the floor. This is not who I am; not who I want to be. Who I am is a fighter. Who I'm not is someone who gives up, and who I want to be is a Mother. No way to know if you were next to me. Where were you? Why did you wait? Am I always going to be alone? You found me.
He told me "I was with you. I never left you. I held you the whole time, and I haven't let go. How else do you think you got through this?"

Fun fall recipe

 

Here is my fun fall snack that I wanted to share with you.

Instead of snacking on candy while waiting for trick or treaters...snack on this!

 

Pumpkin Spice Chex Mix

 

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup butter

1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups Cinnamon chex cereal

2 cups Wheat chex cereal

2 cups Honey nut chex cereal

1 cup of honey roasted peanuts

Handful of yogurt coated raisins

Handful of Reeces Pieces

Handful of small chocolate chips

 

 

 

Mix brown sugar and pumpkin pie spice in a small bowl and set aside.

Mix together in a large bowl all the cereal & peanuts

Microwave butter untill melted and stir in vanilla.

Pour butter mixutre over cereal evenly and add sugar mixture until coated.

Spread evenly onto a baking pan and bake at 300 for 15 minutes, stiring every 5 minutes.

Once cooled, add in yogurt raisins, reeces pieces and chocolate chips.

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

"Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

HOPEFUL describes today

The results are in. Everything came back normal. Normal?? Normal doesn't lose babies. Basically, normal equates to "Sorry Kristina, you got a shitty deal". If everything with me is normal, how do you go on to protect your next baby? You can't. I'm not sure what sucks more...this happening to me the first time, or not being able to prevent it next time.
What they do know, is that a pin hole leak in my amniotic sac happened (on a wed.) and within 48 hours an infection had infiltrated my uterus & baby. The infection took over and 7 days later it ultimately broke my water. There was no going back. No moving forward. There was no hope. This is the in-between I speak of.
I am hopeful that I will soon start the dreaded fertility treatments again. I am hopefully that I will remain at the top of their radar screens. I am hopeful that by this time next year I will be blessed. I am hopeful that I will again create life. I am hopeful that I am on my road to recovery.

I read another baby-loss-mama's story where she confided that her parents adopted her & her sister from Korea. 2 years prior, they lost their baby. She goes on to describe how if her parents biological child had lived, they might not have adopted 2 little girls, and thus changing their lives forever. She wonders where she would have ended up and what kind of life would she have. That baby went on to become an angel and help direct 2 little girls lives.To help form an unexpected beautiful little family..that otherwise wouldn't have been. One of those little Korean girls is now 30, and recently suffered a loss of her own. She often thinks about her little angel and wonders what kind of ripple his little stone will make in the pond of life. Nothing good comes from the death of an infant, but it can change the world.

I am HOPEFUL that one day I will see how my baby's short lived life... has made an impact on this world.

An "In-between" advocate

I've always been the type to make things happen in my life. I wanted to move out of state...so I did.    I picked up and went. No job, no source of income, no real plan. I just went and figured it out. I knew I wanted a boxer as my side kick. I would visit shelters in the area twice a week to see the new dogs brought it. I would check website after website, but not just any dog would do. I would know when I found "the one". After 6 months of searching...I found her. She was in PA, scared, mistreated and alone. She was mine. I drove hours there and back to get her, and I knew upon meeting her, I found my soul mate named Anna. I wanted to meet my husband, and no other jafaffs were cutting it...so I went to an online dating site and made a profile. I was the one to contact him. What was I gonna do, sit around and wait for my doorbell to ring with prince charming on the other side of the door? Highly unlikely, so I went looking. (we all know how awesome that turned out for me) I wanted a career change, so I went back to school at 33. Most people would be scared to do it so late in life, but not me. I now have another degree. So when it came to making a baby, and the old fashioned way just wasn't working, I sought help. I passed over my OBGYN and went right to a fertility specialist. I had a need..a need so strong, that I was going to seek help in any way I can. Fertility assistance isn't cheap. I would sell things, cut back on certain things, and go without, just to afford the costly treatments.
And now I'm in this situation. I've been knocked down, bruised & broken, but more knowledgeable than before. More prepared than before. Unfortunately, more jaded than before. If  I've gone after everything  I want my entire life, why the hell wouldn't I fight tooth and nail to get the one thing I desire more than anything? I thought you get pregnant and you have a baby. That's it. But truth be told, there is a whole in-between to that. Not many people know about, and hardly ever discuss it. Babies die in the in-between. I am now educated about that scary in-betweens. Knowledge is power. My need to be a Mother far out weighs the fears of pregnancy I have. With this power I have organized a team of doctors in my corner to include my fertility specialist, my OBGYN and now a high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor, all to monitor me closely with a fine tooth comb. I will be seen by one of those doctors once a week. Even if it's just to hear the heartbeat. It may be over kill, but you NEED to be your own advocate. This isn't their life story...it's mine. This CANT happen again. Not to me. I wont recover.You need to learn as much as you can to protect yourself and your body. Living in the "in-between" in no place you want to be...and I swear to God that I'm going to give it MY BEST effort to NEVER be in between again.

Mind games

I sang for the first time today since Sept. 22nd. I'm confused by this. Why am I keeping score of this? Does it mean I'm slowly healing? Your mind plays games, in order to keep you in check. I think about the initial pain, and how it's slowly inching its way out of my being. I don't want to think of a future without my baby & it feels like the world is forcing me to. Am I healing? I don't want to heal. I want to rip that scab open. My baby is gone & I'm still alive. Everything with that statement is just so wrong.

If someone was as physically damaged & broken as I am emotionally, they would be in a body cast. But with me, you don't see the damage. There is no cast, no bruises, & no blood. They don't know that I've been in a different world wandering aimlessly, lost and alone. I need a heart cast.

If you know someone dealing with baby loss

We understand that the death of a baby can be uncomfortable and people are timid when it comes to discussing the loss. It is impossible for you to understand the depth of the pain we suffer.

Here are some things to keep in mind:
This cruel situation HAPPENED to me. I am not contagious. I will not go up to you and rub your belly and spread some death on you. Don't treat me like I am.

I have joined a community filled with hundreds of thousands of women on a mission to increase social awareness and erase the social taboo of pregnancy & infant loss.

We have lost the most important person in the world to us and we will grieve their loss for the rest of our lives. Please do not feel as though you need to "fix" this by saying "you can have another" or "you'll move on". Despite your best intentions, those comments don't help. If something happened to one of your siblings, no one would walk up to your parents and say "Well at least you have other children". We know we will have other children. Nothing can replace the one we lost.

Please acknowledge that our baby did exist & that we are parents. I dread that this baby will be forgotten someday.

More than just losing a baby, we lost out on a lifetime of dreams and hopes we had for them.

I do find a small ounce of comfort knowing that our baby was never alone, always fed and never cold. THAT is what I was able to do for them. I was a loving Mother for their 4 month (too-short) life.

I hope to someday discover the lesson in all this. I hope I at least inspired you to be more understanding, be a better parent, and ultimately help in your awareness of this devastating cause.

This video was made to share the overwhelming joy I was feeling, knowing that Joe & I created a heavenly life. I'll never forget that feeling. I'll never forget my first born.

I invision this to be me in my later years...still yearning, still crying & still grieving for my first born baby. Wondering when I will cry my last tear. It's when Jesus places my baby into my arms and whispers to me.."You are together again and the pain is now over".
The last tear, will be a tear of pure joy. I spent a lifetime waiting to see your smile.

How did I get here?

Do you remember the sound of my laugh?
You should still be hearing it.
The warmth of my womb?
You should still be feeling it.
Did the sound of Anna's bark startle you often?
Did the nurses smile at you, or will you only remember seeing faces of fear?
Did the funeral director tell you how beautiful you were?
That should have been me.
Was the last thing you heard, Mommy's screams?
It should have been "I love you"
Will you forgive me that you didn't get a kiss goodbye?
I was only prepared for a kiss hello.
Don't be mad that I didn't hold you. I just couldn't.
See.. you shouldn't have see me like that, in such dis spare.
And I shouldn't have seen you dying.
We're supposed to remember each other the way a Mother and Child were meant to be.
I hope Jesus held you tight and told you all the things he knew I wanted to.
I hope everyone in Heaven is rushing to hold you.
I may not have handled things the way it "should be", but it's all I could handle as part of me was dying along with you.
They say you're here with me, but truth of the matter is...I'm more there with you.
Difficult to know who you are, when a part of your soul already resides in Heaven.
How did I get here?

My Beautiful Mess

Today is October 15th & National Infant Loss Remembrance day. I think of my baby all day, every day. But today, I think of all the moms out there hurting. Doing whatever they can do to memorialize their baby's. I actually have grown quite fond of this day - strange as it may seem. I feel like I became a member of this very sad, dark club. Us BLMs (baby loss mamas -a term used in the group) never asked to be apart of such a group, but somehow thrown into this sisterhood club. This group is filled with women who reach out, extend themselves,  offer an ear to listen & give advice to perfect strangers. This group is filled with women who feel alone yet this group knows EXACTLY how you feel. We've all ended relationships with a significant other and thought we were going to crumble up and die. Everyone offers advice and gives you the old time saying.."Time heals all wounds". In those cases, it does. You have managed to move on from those and see how you are better off. This is  NOT like that. BLMs often tell you...time does NOT heal. You learn to cope, but never heal. I'm thankful that there is a day to bring awareness of how many moms are out there suffering with such unfathomable pain. The millions of broken hearts that are never quite put back the same. The millions of grave sights that are out there, holding the tiniest little bodies. Someone YOU know, is dying inside. This is a reality. This happens everyday. Babies die. They just do. I'll never understand how it happened to me. I am now apart of the worst statistic out there. My wonderful friend Leanne shared with me how my situation has actually helped her. She has never experienced a baby loss, but she's taken my horrific circumstance and learned from it. Shaping the way she sees things. She's admitted that she has become a better person, a better friend, and most importantly, a better parent. She's learning to not sweat the small stuff. Knowing I'd give anything to have "the small stuff". I hope someday I can look back and see how I've made a change for the better from all of this. Maybe God put this on my plate to help someone else, or for me to have a different outlook. I just hope something comes of this. Maybe I'll call it my Beautiful Mess.
I took my fur baby and we headed to the beach to release some balloons for our human baby. I released 4 balloons...one for each month I carried my angel. Inside was a message..in hopes that one of them would make it up to heaven.  I walked to the furthest end of the pier, said a prayer as I let each one go, hoping my baby would hear.
I think they did because on my walk back I noticed angel wings in the clouds. Thank you baby..mommy needed that.

Things you dont know

Things that you don't know I'm struggling with are:

Going to bed - because that means another day has past without a baby inside of me, and tomorrow means another day of pain. I used to love going to bed. Now I put it off as long as I can.
Being alone - because I'll just think, and over think, and sit in one place for an extended period of time, unable to move from the paralyzing mental pain
Having too many people around - because I cant grieve when needed.
Being in public - EVERYTHING can trigger me
Being pregnant again - What if it happens again? What if I can't keep another baby safe?
NOT being pregnant again - I can't imagine not having the baby I've always dreamed of.
Someone saying something that's hurtful - "Maybe it was for the best" is NOT ok to say. What's BEST is for me to still have a healthy baby.
Going back to work - that means moving on. That means continuing life. Putting my co-workers through endless doctor appointments, and my emotional ups and downs.
Body Image - How I went from cutely plump to thin in one day.
Letting everyone around me down - my friends, family, and most importantly my husband are all eager to welcome a member of the Mamott family. Can I deliver?
Never feeling content again- I feel like the best of me was ripped out. Was it my smile? my laugh? my devoted love? Will I wake up one day and not feel dead inside?

Most importantly... Will I be able to feel authentic joy for my next little God's gift? Will fear overtake something that is meant to be a joyful occasion? I owe it to the next little person to feel just as over-joyed as I was for this last little peanut.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings.

I need to get up

The sun is shining and it's in the 70's today. I notice this by looking out my small window from my bed. Sooner or later I need to get up. I can't keep living within these 4 walls. So I got up.
I got dressed in clothes that don't pertain to the pajama family. I made the decision to get up. I sat outside with the sun on my face. I haven't done that in awhile because I was always too tired from hosting that little angel inside of me. Today I got up and I felt the sun. I just looked at the simple things. The blades of grass blowing, the leaves changing, and people moving about their day. When you dry your tear-filled eyes, you begin to see the simple things again. It dawned on me..there is a world that still exists. With or without me laying in bed with the blankets pulled over my head.
There is a world that needs me. A world that needs me to participate and give back. I'm here for a purpose, and I highly doubt it's to take up residency in a bed. Maybe it's to prove to the world that you can knock Kristina down, but she WILL get up. I've been knocked down, wind taken out of my sails and I cant seem to catch my breath...but I NEED to get up. I need to get up.

MOTHER

moth·er/ˈməT͟Hər/

Noun:

A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. "Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.“I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”

Things I WISH I could tell you

So many things I wish I could tell you.
I wish that I talked TO you more, instead of just about you. I know you heard my voice all day, every day. I just wish I reserved some of those words just for you.
I wish I could have told you that we knew you were going to have an arm like your daddy from some of the very first ultrasounds. You couldn't keep those arms still. Oh yea..we would have told you that you're a Yankees fan. ;-) I would have told you that the minute we learned about you, I knew I would be the "tough" parent, and your Daddy would have been wrapped around your tiny little finger from the moment he laid eyes on you. I would have told you how lucky you were to have a Daddy like him. I then would have followed that up with, "But dont expect him to show you how to fix things" (followed with a big ol' laugh) you got a Papa for that. I would have told you that you're named after one of my grandparents. I would have told you that your nickname is "little buddy". I would have told you how lucky you were to have a dog who is so amazing and who would become your best friend, best snuggle partner and most importantly...your top security protector. She would have loved you. I would have told you that you got the best of both us. You would have gotten your Daddy's sweet & gentle demeanor, athletic, affectionate personality that everyone loves. From me, you would have gotten my strong will, caring, devoted, creative, bull-dog- nobody pushes you around, attitude. All this wrapped up in one tiny little, perfect person, that would have taken the world by storm. I would have told you how you made me happier in 4 months, than I've ever been.

My Angel, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. The day I found I was pregnant with you, I knew that my only job was to keep you safe. I feel as if I failed and let you down in the worst way. How could I not know what was going on with my body?  I failed, as your mother, to keep you safe. I'm so sorry. I couldn't fix it because I didn't know. I just didn't know.

It may be a long time from now, but I know I'll recognize you instantly when we're reunited. Your future brothers or sisters will know that they have a sibling watching out for them from heaven.

The MOST important thing I would tell you is, I'm going to make damn sure as God is my witness, this will NEVER happen again. I WILL be more educated, and do everything I can to protect the angel you send me next. And that I love you.

It's the new normal

October is perinatal and infant loss awareness month. Bet ya never knew that. Either did I. Why would we? oh wait...one of us is now apart of that group. A group I didn't ask to be apart of. I read blogs of moms suffering from the devastation of loss, and the one consistent question that is asked..is, "When will I feel NORMAL again"? What the hell is normal? If they are anything like me, they've been existing in a foggy black hole consumed with tired, tear-filled eyes. I think back  to what happier times felt like. How am I ever going to get back to THAT place? There is a new normal that will eventually exist. A world of Octobers that signify infant loss, instead of just cider, apples and Halloween. September is now a painful month, no longer designated just for Joe's birthday. How about March...a month I should be celebrating the birth of my first born child with balloons, cake and party hats. Instead a month now filled with should'a, could'a, would'a's. Instead of joining mommy & me playdate groups, i'll be at a support group or event for mommys who lost their babies.  People have commented that the hole in my heart would be filled again someday. I know their heart is in the right place, but NO! There will always be a hole in my heart where little one should be. That part of us will always miss our first born. The one that made us parents. There will always be an empty seat, figuratively, or perhaps even literally for them. I'm sure there will come a day when I can laugh and smile with other people. Where we can look fondly at others with their babies and young children and smile. But that day is not today. It won't be tomorrow, and it won't be anytime soon. I will never be the same. THIS is my new normal.

I didn't say goodbye.

I re-live the moment I entered the hospital. My body and mind clearly in shock. How do I say Good-bye? I didn't say goodbye. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. You just left. I couldn't bare to say goodbye. I wanted to remember you the way I last saw you. Happy, healthy, moving those little arms so much so, that your daddy was sure you were the little pitcher he's dreamed of.
You changed my life. On September 22, 2012 at 6:30am, you changed our lives forever. We became parents. You came too early.
There are really no words to describe how terrible it is to lose a child.
Any woman who's been pregnant knows that the first trimester is precarious and that miscarriages are common, but I made it past that point. We were just to the "fun" part of pregnancy. We were picking out names, planning your shower, making future plans for our perfect little family. Everything checked out fine and we had no reason to worry.

And then one day you were gone. I didn't say goodbye. I was too busy planning our HELLO.
Instead of carseats we had to learn all about funeral arrangements.
Instead of teaching you things, I am boxing your things up. And all I'm left with, is a broken heart.
How is my heart supposed to beat again? You made me a momma, and you're not here to enjoy it with me.

I can't even begin to understand why God chose us to carry this burden. WHY? why God made me work so hard for you, then took you away. Why our baby who was planned and wanted and loved??

I also know (in my head, at least...my heart is another matter) that God has a purpose in this, that Baby Mamotts death was not an accident or a mistake, and that He has something else in store for us. I pray that God and our angel hand pick the most special baby to come and call us Mom and Dad. Waiting for our Rainbow baby.
I didn't get a chance to say Goodbye.

When dreams come true, turn into shattered pieces

I delivered my 16 week old baby on 9-22-12. I sit here in my bed, in pain, feeling like I'm suffocating..wondering how this could happen to me.

I am the face of 2nd trimester loss.

I worked so hard for this baby. Being a mother has been my only dream. I finally met the man of my dreams later in life, and we started to work on building a family. I'm 36 & After 6 months of trying to conceive, I went to a fertility specialist, only to learn that I wasnt ovulating. We found the cure but it took several months of going through painful procedures and treatments including hormone injections. My dream finally came true! I was pregnant. ME! good ol' pregnant me! I took such good care of myself. Maybe even being too cautious..calling the doctor about every pull, pinch, feeling, etc. At 15 weeks, I began to spot. I went to the ER, where they ran every test known to man. Me and my baby were OK! No real explanation as to why I was spotting. A week later - at 16 weeks, my water broke late at night. I went to the ER and they sent me home saying there is nothing they can do. I went to my OBGYN at 7:30 the next morning and she confirmed I was in fact going to lose this baby. I had lost all my amniotic fluid and by now the bleeding was heavy. There was no way to save this baby. She sent me to the hospital to be induced. The thought of giving birth was overwhelming and terrifying. At 6:30am Saturday September 22, 2012 I gave birth to my miracle dream baby all by myself in my hospital bed. Screaming and crying, waiting for the doctors to come rushing in, It happened all so fast. Within 3 major contractions. There was no time to call for help. My husband lay there holding me, praying to take my pain, and watching his wife cry so uncontrollably, that there was no consoling me. I felt everything. What I just had experienced was never something I should have. I just prayed that this baby did not suffer. We chose not to see the baby nor find out the sex. To us, we wanted to keep the vision of our healthy peanut moving around happy and healthy just like we saw on the ultrasound. The sex didnt matter either way. It was our baby. I never imagined it could get harder..but it did. Signing a death certificate, agreeing to an autopsy, calling a funeral director, and ultimately leaving the hospital without my baby. I found out a week later that the placenta showed an infection. It's mind boggling to figure out where I would have picked up an infection? How did my body not protect this baby?  The day I gave birth and my baby passed away is the day a big piece of me died too. Here i am, sitting in this bed, Crying that I'm here and my baby is there, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to protect my baby. I'm shattered. God made me work hard, gave me my dream, and took it back. I ultimately need to lean on God, but right now, I'm angry. How can I go through this again? How can I go through another pregnancy without fear? This was MY turn. Hoping for a Rainbow baby after this storm.

My angel born and handed over to God 9.22.12

Anxiously awaiting my RAINBOW BABY