I didn't say goodbye.

I re-live the moment I entered the hospital. My body and mind clearly in shock. How do I say Good-bye? I didn't say goodbye. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. You just left. I couldn't bare to say goodbye. I wanted to remember you the way I last saw you. Happy, healthy, moving those little arms so much so, that your daddy was sure you were the little pitcher he's dreamed of.
You changed my life. On September 22, 2012 at 6:30am, you changed our lives forever. We became parents. You came too early.
There are really no words to describe how terrible it is to lose a child.
Any woman who's been pregnant knows that the first trimester is precarious and that miscarriages are common, but I made it past that point. We were just to the "fun" part of pregnancy. We were picking out names, planning your shower, making future plans for our perfect little family. Everything checked out fine and we had no reason to worry.

And then one day you were gone. I didn't say goodbye. I was too busy planning our HELLO.
Instead of carseats we had to learn all about funeral arrangements.
Instead of teaching you things, I am boxing your things up. And all I'm left with, is a broken heart.
How is my heart supposed to beat again? You made me a momma, and you're not here to enjoy it with me.

I can't even begin to understand why God chose us to carry this burden. WHY? why God made me work so hard for you, then took you away. Why our baby who was planned and wanted and loved??

I also know (in my head, at least...my heart is another matter) that God has a purpose in this, that Baby Mamotts death was not an accident or a mistake, and that He has something else in store for us. I pray that God and our angel hand pick the most special baby to come and call us Mom and Dad. Waiting for our Rainbow baby.
I didn't get a chance to say Goodbye.