September 22nd

It's been 2 years ...since the worst day of my life. I don't want to slip into the dark, painful hole, to rehash the moments that changed my life. I just memorialize this day, like any other significant day in my life. Last year I  focused more on this anniversary as being the day Joey died.  This year, it's about the day Joey was born.
He spent 10 minutes on this earth. We were a family for 10 minutes. God gave me that. So today, we celebrate. Without a doubt, this day will always have a heavy feeling attached to it, but it's one I must acknowledge.
Last September 22nd, Joe and I ( 9 months pregnant) stood out in the cold rain building a memorial garden from the plot of land where a tree was destroyed. It's like life. When something dies, new life arises. I've worked on this garden all year long, planting bushes and flowers from us, Joey's Grandparents and Great Grandparents. It's a memorial garden from family, and built with love. It's a place that I can go to daily and get lost in my thoughts while I weed, fill the bird bath, watch the butterflies dance with the bees, and a place to think about my little guy. By no means is this garden complete. It's a work in progress....just like me.

Last September 22nd, My family and I went to the lake to release red heart lanterns. It was probably the windiest day of the year and not 1 lantern would light, let alone inflate and release. It was such a let down. It meant a lot that we all gathered  together for the effort. This year, Joe and I  decided to try the release again. Wouldn't you know it...the weather was exactly the same as it was last year. Cold, rainy, and of course WINDY. I was determined!! After 2 failed, ripped attempted...one inflated and we had lift off!!

No Stranger to loss

I'm no stranger to loss. Frankly, who is? Haven't we all lost someone or some thing that meant something to us? I wonder if because I'm getting older, that the rate of loss will only increase?
I haven't written since my second hardest loss hit. I lost my first "child", my companion, my soul sister, my boo-boo bunny....my sissy. This heart-wrenching loss feels different than my loss of Joey. I talk about Joey all the time. But I can't bring myself to talk about Anna, or look at her toys, or finger through pictures of her. If I do, I lose my breath. My stomach feels sunken in, and I just can't seem to take a breath. It's a heavy feeling. This loss is different because she was all I had, for so long. I know the age old saying is a mans best friend is his dog, but they missed the mark by not mentioning soul mate. I think about her everyday. I remind myself of what her fur felt like, where her unique markings were, the special spots on her lips where I would lay my all encompassing kiss on. I'm afraid these images will fade soon and it terrifies me. I still have her pillow with her pillow case unwashed. I won't clean it. I won't lose the smell of her or the fibers of hair she has left behind. She shared in all my special events and went everywhere with me. I hate the thought that she is missing out on these days. That she is missing out on Kessa. They would be the best of friends today...I just know it. She stuck around long enough to see my broken heart mended by the arrival of Kessa. She knew her place; she knew her time. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. She moved on, March 25th 2014.
This is the last picture taken before she crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Today was a particularly hard day missing Anna.
I wanted to quickly view a video of her...just to refresh my memory...ya know, out of fear of forgetting. This video is one that is priceless to me. My 2 babies...sharing in a moment.

I visited a pet cemetery today to visit an old friend. As I passed by this Rainbow bridge, I realized Anna is ok. She is pain free. It's only me that hurts now.

I guess this is hitting me particularly hard, because September is a month of loss for me. Joey on September 22nd and now my friend Kelly on September 8th.
There are some new beginnings...just on the horizon.