My conversation with God

I found God on the corner of "Easy Street" & "how did this become my life". We were all alone. He said ask anything. I asked where you been? Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days became dark. My life derailed. I fell to his knees, lost and insecure. Where were you? You were late. You found me, found me lying on the floor. This is not who I am; not who I want to be. Who I am is a fighter. Who I'm not is someone who gives up, and who I want to be is a Mother. No way to know if you were next to me. Where were you? Why did you wait? Am I always going to be alone? You found me.
He told me "I was with you. I never left you. I held you the whole time, and I haven't let go. How else do you think you got through this?"

Fun fall recipe

 

Here is my fun fall snack that I wanted to share with you.

Instead of snacking on candy while waiting for trick or treaters...snack on this!

 

Pumpkin Spice Chex Mix

 

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup butter

1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups Cinnamon chex cereal

2 cups Wheat chex cereal

2 cups Honey nut chex cereal

1 cup of honey roasted peanuts

Handful of yogurt coated raisins

Handful of Reeces Pieces

Handful of small chocolate chips

 

 

 

Mix brown sugar and pumpkin pie spice in a small bowl and set aside.

Mix together in a large bowl all the cereal & peanuts

Microwave butter untill melted and stir in vanilla.

Pour butter mixutre over cereal evenly and add sugar mixture until coated.

Spread evenly onto a baking pan and bake at 300 for 15 minutes, stiring every 5 minutes.

Once cooled, add in yogurt raisins, reeces pieces and chocolate chips.

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

"Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

HOPEFUL describes today

The results are in. Everything came back normal. Normal?? Normal doesn't lose babies. Basically, normal equates to "Sorry Kristina, you got a shitty deal". If everything with me is normal, how do you go on to protect your next baby? You can't. I'm not sure what sucks more...this happening to me the first time, or not being able to prevent it next time.
What they do know, is that a pin hole leak in my amniotic sac happened (on a wed.) and within 48 hours an infection had infiltrated my uterus & baby. The infection took over and 7 days later it ultimately broke my water. There was no going back. No moving forward. There was no hope. This is the in-between I speak of.
I am hopeful that I will soon start the dreaded fertility treatments again. I am hopefully that I will remain at the top of their radar screens. I am hopeful that by this time next year I will be blessed. I am hopeful that I will again create life. I am hopeful that I am on my road to recovery.

I read another baby-loss-mama's story where she confided that her parents adopted her & her sister from Korea. 2 years prior, they lost their baby. She goes on to describe how if her parents biological child had lived, they might not have adopted 2 little girls, and thus changing their lives forever. She wonders where she would have ended up and what kind of life would she have. That baby went on to become an angel and help direct 2 little girls lives.To help form an unexpected beautiful little family..that otherwise wouldn't have been. One of those little Korean girls is now 30, and recently suffered a loss of her own. She often thinks about her little angel and wonders what kind of ripple his little stone will make in the pond of life. Nothing good comes from the death of an infant, but it can change the world.

I am HOPEFUL that one day I will see how my baby's short lived life... has made an impact on this world.

An "In-between" advocate

I've always been the type to make things happen in my life. I wanted to move out of state...so I did.    I picked up and went. No job, no source of income, no real plan. I just went and figured it out. I knew I wanted a boxer as my side kick. I would visit shelters in the area twice a week to see the new dogs brought it. I would check website after website, but not just any dog would do. I would know when I found "the one". After 6 months of searching...I found her. She was in PA, scared, mistreated and alone. She was mine. I drove hours there and back to get her, and I knew upon meeting her, I found my soul mate named Anna. I wanted to meet my husband, and no other jafaffs were cutting it...so I went to an online dating site and made a profile. I was the one to contact him. What was I gonna do, sit around and wait for my doorbell to ring with prince charming on the other side of the door? Highly unlikely, so I went looking. (we all know how awesome that turned out for me) I wanted a career change, so I went back to school at 33. Most people would be scared to do it so late in life, but not me. I now have another degree. So when it came to making a baby, and the old fashioned way just wasn't working, I sought help. I passed over my OBGYN and went right to a fertility specialist. I had a need..a need so strong, that I was going to seek help in any way I can. Fertility assistance isn't cheap. I would sell things, cut back on certain things, and go without, just to afford the costly treatments.
And now I'm in this situation. I've been knocked down, bruised & broken, but more knowledgeable than before. More prepared than before. Unfortunately, more jaded than before. If  I've gone after everything  I want my entire life, why the hell wouldn't I fight tooth and nail to get the one thing I desire more than anything? I thought you get pregnant and you have a baby. That's it. But truth be told, there is a whole in-between to that. Not many people know about, and hardly ever discuss it. Babies die in the in-between. I am now educated about that scary in-betweens. Knowledge is power. My need to be a Mother far out weighs the fears of pregnancy I have. With this power I have organized a team of doctors in my corner to include my fertility specialist, my OBGYN and now a high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor, all to monitor me closely with a fine tooth comb. I will be seen by one of those doctors once a week. Even if it's just to hear the heartbeat. It may be over kill, but you NEED to be your own advocate. This isn't their life story...it's mine. This CANT happen again. Not to me. I wont recover.You need to learn as much as you can to protect yourself and your body. Living in the "in-between" in no place you want to be...and I swear to God that I'm going to give it MY BEST effort to NEVER be in between again.

Mind games

I sang for the first time today since Sept. 22nd. I'm confused by this. Why am I keeping score of this? Does it mean I'm slowly healing? Your mind plays games, in order to keep you in check. I think about the initial pain, and how it's slowly inching its way out of my being. I don't want to think of a future without my baby & it feels like the world is forcing me to. Am I healing? I don't want to heal. I want to rip that scab open. My baby is gone & I'm still alive. Everything with that statement is just so wrong.

If someone was as physically damaged & broken as I am emotionally, they would be in a body cast. But with me, you don't see the damage. There is no cast, no bruises, & no blood. They don't know that I've been in a different world wandering aimlessly, lost and alone. I need a heart cast.

If you know someone dealing with baby loss

We understand that the death of a baby can be uncomfortable and people are timid when it comes to discussing the loss. It is impossible for you to understand the depth of the pain we suffer.

Here are some things to keep in mind:
This cruel situation HAPPENED to me. I am not contagious. I will not go up to you and rub your belly and spread some death on you. Don't treat me like I am.

I have joined a community filled with hundreds of thousands of women on a mission to increase social awareness and erase the social taboo of pregnancy & infant loss.

We have lost the most important person in the world to us and we will grieve their loss for the rest of our lives. Please do not feel as though you need to "fix" this by saying "you can have another" or "you'll move on". Despite your best intentions, those comments don't help. If something happened to one of your siblings, no one would walk up to your parents and say "Well at least you have other children". We know we will have other children. Nothing can replace the one we lost.

Please acknowledge that our baby did exist & that we are parents. I dread that this baby will be forgotten someday.

More than just losing a baby, we lost out on a lifetime of dreams and hopes we had for them.

I do find a small ounce of comfort knowing that our baby was never alone, always fed and never cold. THAT is what I was able to do for them. I was a loving Mother for their 4 month (too-short) life.

I hope to someday discover the lesson in all this. I hope I at least inspired you to be more understanding, be a better parent, and ultimately help in your awareness of this devastating cause.

This video was made to share the overwhelming joy I was feeling, knowing that Joe & I created a heavenly life. I'll never forget that feeling. I'll never forget my first born.

I invision this to be me in my later years...still yearning, still crying & still grieving for my first born baby. Wondering when I will cry my last tear. It's when Jesus places my baby into my arms and whispers to me.."You are together again and the pain is now over".
The last tear, will be a tear of pure joy. I spent a lifetime waiting to see your smile.

How did I get here?

Do you remember the sound of my laugh?
You should still be hearing it.
The warmth of my womb?
You should still be feeling it.
Did the sound of Anna's bark startle you often?
Did the nurses smile at you, or will you only remember seeing faces of fear?
Did the funeral director tell you how beautiful you were?
That should have been me.
Was the last thing you heard, Mommy's screams?
It should have been "I love you"
Will you forgive me that you didn't get a kiss goodbye?
I was only prepared for a kiss hello.
Don't be mad that I didn't hold you. I just couldn't.
See.. you shouldn't have see me like that, in such dis spare.
And I shouldn't have seen you dying.
We're supposed to remember each other the way a Mother and Child were meant to be.
I hope Jesus held you tight and told you all the things he knew I wanted to.
I hope everyone in Heaven is rushing to hold you.
I may not have handled things the way it "should be", but it's all I could handle as part of me was dying along with you.
They say you're here with me, but truth of the matter is...I'm more there with you.
Difficult to know who you are, when a part of your soul already resides in Heaven.
How did I get here?

My Beautiful Mess

Today is October 15th & National Infant Loss Remembrance day. I think of my baby all day, every day. But today, I think of all the moms out there hurting. Doing whatever they can do to memorialize their baby's. I actually have grown quite fond of this day - strange as it may seem. I feel like I became a member of this very sad, dark club. Us BLMs (baby loss mamas -a term used in the group) never asked to be apart of such a group, but somehow thrown into this sisterhood club. This group is filled with women who reach out, extend themselves,  offer an ear to listen & give advice to perfect strangers. This group is filled with women who feel alone yet this group knows EXACTLY how you feel. We've all ended relationships with a significant other and thought we were going to crumble up and die. Everyone offers advice and gives you the old time saying.."Time heals all wounds". In those cases, it does. You have managed to move on from those and see how you are better off. This is  NOT like that. BLMs often tell you...time does NOT heal. You learn to cope, but never heal. I'm thankful that there is a day to bring awareness of how many moms are out there suffering with such unfathomable pain. The millions of broken hearts that are never quite put back the same. The millions of grave sights that are out there, holding the tiniest little bodies. Someone YOU know, is dying inside. This is a reality. This happens everyday. Babies die. They just do. I'll never understand how it happened to me. I am now apart of the worst statistic out there. My wonderful friend Leanne shared with me how my situation has actually helped her. She has never experienced a baby loss, but she's taken my horrific circumstance and learned from it. Shaping the way she sees things. She's admitted that she has become a better person, a better friend, and most importantly, a better parent. She's learning to not sweat the small stuff. Knowing I'd give anything to have "the small stuff". I hope someday I can look back and see how I've made a change for the better from all of this. Maybe God put this on my plate to help someone else, or for me to have a different outlook. I just hope something comes of this. Maybe I'll call it my Beautiful Mess.
I took my fur baby and we headed to the beach to release some balloons for our human baby. I released 4 balloons...one for each month I carried my angel. Inside was a message..in hopes that one of them would make it up to heaven.  I walked to the furthest end of the pier, said a prayer as I let each one go, hoping my baby would hear.
I think they did because on my walk back I noticed angel wings in the clouds. Thank you baby..mommy needed that.

Things you dont know

Things that you don't know I'm struggling with are:

Going to bed - because that means another day has past without a baby inside of me, and tomorrow means another day of pain. I used to love going to bed. Now I put it off as long as I can.
Being alone - because I'll just think, and over think, and sit in one place for an extended period of time, unable to move from the paralyzing mental pain
Having too many people around - because I cant grieve when needed.
Being in public - EVERYTHING can trigger me
Being pregnant again - What if it happens again? What if I can't keep another baby safe?
NOT being pregnant again - I can't imagine not having the baby I've always dreamed of.
Someone saying something that's hurtful - "Maybe it was for the best" is NOT ok to say. What's BEST is for me to still have a healthy baby.
Going back to work - that means moving on. That means continuing life. Putting my co-workers through endless doctor appointments, and my emotional ups and downs.
Body Image - How I went from cutely plump to thin in one day.
Letting everyone around me down - my friends, family, and most importantly my husband are all eager to welcome a member of the Mamott family. Can I deliver?
Never feeling content again- I feel like the best of me was ripped out. Was it my smile? my laugh? my devoted love? Will I wake up one day and not feel dead inside?

Most importantly... Will I be able to feel authentic joy for my next little God's gift? Will fear overtake something that is meant to be a joyful occasion? I owe it to the next little person to feel just as over-joyed as I was for this last little peanut.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings.

I need to get up

The sun is shining and it's in the 70's today. I notice this by looking out my small window from my bed. Sooner or later I need to get up. I can't keep living within these 4 walls. So I got up.
I got dressed in clothes that don't pertain to the pajama family. I made the decision to get up. I sat outside with the sun on my face. I haven't done that in awhile because I was always too tired from hosting that little angel inside of me. Today I got up and I felt the sun. I just looked at the simple things. The blades of grass blowing, the leaves changing, and people moving about their day. When you dry your tear-filled eyes, you begin to see the simple things again. It dawned on me..there is a world that still exists. With or without me laying in bed with the blankets pulled over my head.
There is a world that needs me. A world that needs me to participate and give back. I'm here for a purpose, and I highly doubt it's to take up residency in a bed. Maybe it's to prove to the world that you can knock Kristina down, but she WILL get up. I've been knocked down, wind taken out of my sails and I cant seem to catch my breath...but I NEED to get up. I need to get up.

MOTHER

moth·er/ˈməT͟Hər/

Noun:

A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. "Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear.“I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”

Things I WISH I could tell you

So many things I wish I could tell you.
I wish that I talked TO you more, instead of just about you. I know you heard my voice all day, every day. I just wish I reserved some of those words just for you.
I wish I could have told you that we knew you were going to have an arm like your daddy from some of the very first ultrasounds. You couldn't keep those arms still. Oh yea..we would have told you that you're a Yankees fan. ;-) I would have told you that the minute we learned about you, I knew I would be the "tough" parent, and your Daddy would have been wrapped around your tiny little finger from the moment he laid eyes on you. I would have told you how lucky you were to have a Daddy like him. I then would have followed that up with, "But dont expect him to show you how to fix things" (followed with a big ol' laugh) you got a Papa for that. I would have told you that you're named after one of my grandparents. I would have told you that your nickname is "little buddy". I would have told you how lucky you were to have a dog who is so amazing and who would become your best friend, best snuggle partner and most importantly...your top security protector. She would have loved you. I would have told you that you got the best of both us. You would have gotten your Daddy's sweet & gentle demeanor, athletic, affectionate personality that everyone loves. From me, you would have gotten my strong will, caring, devoted, creative, bull-dog- nobody pushes you around, attitude. All this wrapped up in one tiny little, perfect person, that would have taken the world by storm. I would have told you how you made me happier in 4 months, than I've ever been.

My Angel, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. The day I found I was pregnant with you, I knew that my only job was to keep you safe. I feel as if I failed and let you down in the worst way. How could I not know what was going on with my body?  I failed, as your mother, to keep you safe. I'm so sorry. I couldn't fix it because I didn't know. I just didn't know.

It may be a long time from now, but I know I'll recognize you instantly when we're reunited. Your future brothers or sisters will know that they have a sibling watching out for them from heaven.

The MOST important thing I would tell you is, I'm going to make damn sure as God is my witness, this will NEVER happen again. I WILL be more educated, and do everything I can to protect the angel you send me next. And that I love you.

It's the new normal

October is perinatal and infant loss awareness month. Bet ya never knew that. Either did I. Why would we? oh wait...one of us is now apart of that group. A group I didn't ask to be apart of. I read blogs of moms suffering from the devastation of loss, and the one consistent question that is asked..is, "When will I feel NORMAL again"? What the hell is normal? If they are anything like me, they've been existing in a foggy black hole consumed with tired, tear-filled eyes. I think back  to what happier times felt like. How am I ever going to get back to THAT place? There is a new normal that will eventually exist. A world of Octobers that signify infant loss, instead of just cider, apples and Halloween. September is now a painful month, no longer designated just for Joe's birthday. How about March...a month I should be celebrating the birth of my first born child with balloons, cake and party hats. Instead a month now filled with should'a, could'a, would'a's. Instead of joining mommy & me playdate groups, i'll be at a support group or event for mommys who lost their babies.  People have commented that the hole in my heart would be filled again someday. I know their heart is in the right place, but NO! There will always be a hole in my heart where little one should be. That part of us will always miss our first born. The one that made us parents. There will always be an empty seat, figuratively, or perhaps even literally for them. I'm sure there will come a day when I can laugh and smile with other people. Where we can look fondly at others with their babies and young children and smile. But that day is not today. It won't be tomorrow, and it won't be anytime soon. I will never be the same. THIS is my new normal.