Things you dont know

Things that you don't know I'm struggling with are:

Going to bed - because that means another day has past without a baby inside of me, and tomorrow means another day of pain. I used to love going to bed. Now I put it off as long as I can.
Being alone - because I'll just think, and over think, and sit in one place for an extended period of time, unable to move from the paralyzing mental pain
Having too many people around - because I cant grieve when needed.
Being in public - EVERYTHING can trigger me
Being pregnant again - What if it happens again? What if I can't keep another baby safe?
NOT being pregnant again - I can't imagine not having the baby I've always dreamed of.
Someone saying something that's hurtful - "Maybe it was for the best" is NOT ok to say. What's BEST is for me to still have a healthy baby.
Going back to work - that means moving on. That means continuing life. Putting my co-workers through endless doctor appointments, and my emotional ups and downs.
Body Image - How I went from cutely plump to thin in one day.
Letting everyone around me down - my friends, family, and most importantly my husband are all eager to welcome a member of the Mamott family. Can I deliver?
Never feeling content again- I feel like the best of me was ripped out. Was it my smile? my laugh? my devoted love? Will I wake up one day and not feel dead inside?

Most importantly... Will I be able to feel authentic joy for my next little God's gift? Will fear overtake something that is meant to be a joyful occasion? I owe it to the next little person to feel just as over-joyed as I was for this last little peanut.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings.