My Beautiful Mess

Today is October 15th & National Infant Loss Remembrance day. I think of my baby all day, every day. But today, I think of all the moms out there hurting. Doing whatever they can do to memorialize their baby's. I actually have grown quite fond of this day - strange as it may seem. I feel like I became a member of this very sad, dark club. Us BLMs (baby loss mamas -a term used in the group) never asked to be apart of such a group, but somehow thrown into this sisterhood club. This group is filled with women who reach out, extend themselves,  offer an ear to listen & give advice to perfect strangers. This group is filled with women who feel alone yet this group knows EXACTLY how you feel. We've all ended relationships with a significant other and thought we were going to crumble up and die. Everyone offers advice and gives you the old time saying.."Time heals all wounds". In those cases, it does. You have managed to move on from those and see how you are better off. This is  NOT like that. BLMs often tell you...time does NOT heal. You learn to cope, but never heal. I'm thankful that there is a day to bring awareness of how many moms are out there suffering with such unfathomable pain. The millions of broken hearts that are never quite put back the same. The millions of grave sights that are out there, holding the tiniest little bodies. Someone YOU know, is dying inside. This is a reality. This happens everyday. Babies die. They just do. I'll never understand how it happened to me. I am now apart of the worst statistic out there. My wonderful friend Leanne shared with me how my situation has actually helped her. She has never experienced a baby loss, but she's taken my horrific circumstance and learned from it. Shaping the way she sees things. She's admitted that she has become a better person, a better friend, and most importantly, a better parent. She's learning to not sweat the small stuff. Knowing I'd give anything to have "the small stuff". I hope someday I can look back and see how I've made a change for the better from all of this. Maybe God put this on my plate to help someone else, or for me to have a different outlook. I just hope something comes of this. Maybe I'll call it my Beautiful Mess.
I took my fur baby and we headed to the beach to release some balloons for our human baby. I released 4 balloons...one for each month I carried my angel. Inside was a message..in hopes that one of them would make it up to heaven.  I walked to the furthest end of the pier, said a prayer as I let each one go, hoping my baby would hear.
I think they did because on my walk back I noticed angel wings in the clouds. Thank you baby..mommy needed that.