Things I WISH I could tell you

So many things I wish I could tell you.
I wish that I talked TO you more, instead of just about you. I know you heard my voice all day, every day. I just wish I reserved some of those words just for you.
I wish I could have told you that we knew you were going to have an arm like your daddy from some of the very first ultrasounds. You couldn't keep those arms still. Oh yea..we would have told you that you're a Yankees fan. ;-) I would have told you that the minute we learned about you, I knew I would be the "tough" parent, and your Daddy would have been wrapped around your tiny little finger from the moment he laid eyes on you. I would have told you how lucky you were to have a Daddy like him. I then would have followed that up with, "But dont expect him to show you how to fix things" (followed with a big ol' laugh) you got a Papa for that. I would have told you that you're named after one of my grandparents. I would have told you that your nickname is "little buddy". I would have told you how lucky you were to have a dog who is so amazing and who would become your best friend, best snuggle partner and most importantly...your top security protector. She would have loved you. I would have told you that you got the best of both us. You would have gotten your Daddy's sweet & gentle demeanor, athletic, affectionate personality that everyone loves. From me, you would have gotten my strong will, caring, devoted, creative, bull-dog- nobody pushes you around, attitude. All this wrapped up in one tiny little, perfect person, that would have taken the world by storm. I would have told you how you made me happier in 4 months, than I've ever been.

My Angel, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. The day I found I was pregnant with you, I knew that my only job was to keep you safe. I feel as if I failed and let you down in the worst way. How could I not know what was going on with my body?  I failed, as your mother, to keep you safe. I'm so sorry. I couldn't fix it because I didn't know. I just didn't know.

It may be a long time from now, but I know I'll recognize you instantly when we're reunited. Your future brothers or sisters will know that they have a sibling watching out for them from heaven.

The MOST important thing I would tell you is, I'm going to make damn sure as God is my witness, this will NEVER happen again. I WILL be more educated, and do everything I can to protect the angel you send me next. And that I love you.