It's the new normal

October is perinatal and infant loss awareness month. Bet ya never knew that. Either did I. Why would we? oh wait...one of us is now apart of that group. A group I didn't ask to be apart of. I read blogs of moms suffering from the devastation of loss, and the one consistent question that is asked..is, "When will I feel NORMAL again"? What the hell is normal? If they are anything like me, they've been existing in a foggy black hole consumed with tired, tear-filled eyes. I think back  to what happier times felt like. How am I ever going to get back to THAT place? There is a new normal that will eventually exist. A world of Octobers that signify infant loss, instead of just cider, apples and Halloween. September is now a painful month, no longer designated just for Joe's birthday. How about March...a month I should be celebrating the birth of my first born child with balloons, cake and party hats. Instead a month now filled with should'a, could'a, would'a's. Instead of joining mommy & me playdate groups, i'll be at a support group or event for mommys who lost their babies.  People have commented that the hole in my heart would be filled again someday. I know their heart is in the right place, but NO! There will always be a hole in my heart where little one should be. That part of us will always miss our first born. The one that made us parents. There will always be an empty seat, figuratively, or perhaps even literally for them. I'm sure there will come a day when I can laugh and smile with other people. Where we can look fondly at others with their babies and young children and smile. But that day is not today. It won't be tomorrow, and it won't be anytime soon. I will never be the same. THIS is my new normal.