Never been more excited for a year to be over

Today is the last day...of the worst year of my life thus far. THANK GOD it's over!  I'm holding the door open, ready to give 2012 a swift kick in the ass and help it get the F out. This year was plagued by tragedy..not only for me, but for the world. With each new year...comes new hope, new dreams and hopefully new miracles. We're all ready to hit the reset button and start over. Is it just a facade that a new year brings new hope? Or is it the same stagnate realities with an extra number attached to it? Only time will tell.

All I'll ever remember about the year 2012 is that it was the year my baby died. That's it. All other smiles, giggles, firsts, & joyous occasions are erased and over written with sorrow. You see, the beginning of this years focus was just getting pregnant. The middle of this years focus was keeping that baby safe, and the end of this year was consumed with mourning the loss of that life. My 2012 was consumed.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March will be difficult. Forget about September ...I can't even think about the end of that month. I even hate saying the name "September". I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Joe and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger.  My resolution for 2013 is to live each day and not just exist. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and a bunch of sleepless nights filled with baby kisses.

THIS HAS TO BE MY YEAR!

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Candy Cane Martini

Need a cocktail to serve over Christmas?    I got ya' covered!

CANDY CANE MARTINI

                                                                                                

Ingredients

• 1.5 oz. vodka
• 1.5 oz. white crème de cacao
• 1 oz. peppermint schnapps
• Ice

Preparation

1. In a shaker, combine the ice, vodka, white crème de cacao and peppermint schnapps.
2. Shake the drink vigorously until well mixed.
3. Crush candy canes with a rolling pin or other heavy object between wax paper sheets.
4. Dip rim of chilled martini glass in water and then dip wet rim into crushed candy canes.
5. Pour drink into glass and garnish with a mini candy cane.

 

Be the change

Today marks 3 months since I lost. Lost dreams, lost a future of magical moment, lost a family, but most importantly...lost a person I created with another incredible human being. Can't you just imagine how incredible this little person would have been?
At the 3 month mark, I have such a different perspective on September 22nd than I did on that day. I would have done things differently. I don't linger too long in the compartment of regret. I was a blissful new mommy who was told "You are having a baby today and they will NOT survive". I have done an inconceivable amount of crying, some healing, and most importantly...growing during those 3 months.
I can not change what happened. I can not have my baby back. How I see it...you have 2 choices.
Wallow in how my life has taken an unforeseeable change for the worse and do nothing OR make a positive impact. I truly believe God chose me to carry an angel he never planned on letting survive in this physical world because I have a voice (as each of you know). God gave me that voice the day I was born and it hasn't quieted yet...so why should now be any different? He knew I could speak up and make a difference.
I have reached out to so many BL mama's who otherwise might not have a lending ear. I've sent them something to let them know we are all connected. We all have a forever hole in our heart that no one else understands or sees. There is no connection like the moment when you hear another woman say "I too lost a baby". And I don't mean a MC at 6 weeks. While there is heart break attached to that, it just isn't the same.

I hope to continue God's work & to find ways to inspire people to be kind and generous. We are all hurting in one way or another and could use a little more love. Remember that when you lock eyes with a stranger. You have no idea what they are going through. Be kind.

While everyone is enjoying this Christmas with their children, all I have is a tiny urn filled with my baby's ashes. And believe it or not, a small part of me is thankful to even have that...as many other mama's out there don't have anything to hold from their angels.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

Is it a gift?

What do you consider to be an unforeseen gift? Our first counseling session provided a different prospective on our dark situation. She actually feels that this time Joe and I were given...is a gift. Time is considered a gift. Time to build on our individual strengths, and enhance an already strong marriage. This time will allow us to create a foundation to build a family on. It was uncovered and openly admitted that I don't actually "live". I live my life for one sole purpose...to be a Mother. I don't enjoy the ride. I only have my sight set on the finish line. I neglect everything else in my life..including me.

What I DO know...is that I was chosen. Chosen to carry out a mission for awareness. A voice. To help others who are timid, to grow strength. So many mothers across the country have contacted me, after seeing this blog, needing an ear. Needing to connect. This is the gift I know I have received.

I read an article that every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.

We cannot understand God's ways, but when we believe that everything happens for a reason and that nothing is random, hopefully that will help the grieving process.

Clearly, we want healthy children and easy pregnancies. But for whatever reason, certain souls do not need to come into this world, and I, for whatever reason, carried such a soul.

Embrace the gift that you've been given.

News Flash: It's not any easier

"They" said time would heal. "They" said I would move on. "They" said I'd be Ok. "THEY" were wrong.
You went away. How dare you.
It's been 11 weeks and 2 days..I am in just as much pain. I'm not ok. I was torn down within minutes and it's going to be a work in progress to build back up again. Especially since Joe and I are "trying" again to build a family. I struggle with trying again in fear that it = moving on. Replacing. That is NOT the case. This process is all so overwhelming. Shots daily, blood and ultrasound every 2 days. The physical headaches, the disappointments, all to love a child. Please God..don't do this to me again. I won't survive it. That will be the end of me. I'm a fighter, I'm trying my hardest, but it's taking every ounce of energy I can muster up..to progress. I keep seeing quotes about if God put the dream in your heart, he'll make that dream come true. I'm hanging by a thread.
I talk to the tiny urn that contains my baby's ashes every morning. It's almost time for you to be here...but instead, you reside on my dresser. How dare you. I miss you. I'll never be over you.

http://unspokengrief.com/shattered-dreams

 

Baby Mamott's Christmas Stocking

This Holiday season started out a little rough for us with our hearts aching for what we know is missing.
Through grief comes education and inspiration. I have been inspired through numerous avenues to help make someones darker days, a little brighter.
This year I hope to inspire YOU by helping to fill Baby Mamott's Christmas Stocking with Kindness. This baby has brought people together, inspired me to be more kinder, generous and patient. I hope that this project sparks a chain reaction of beautiful gifts coming your way too.

How to fill the stocking: Between December 1st - 22nd, Please leave a comment each and every time you perform an act of kindness & generosity. The act of kindness that is greatest or the person who fulfills the most acts, will have a sizable donation made to the MARCH OF DIMES from Joe & I in your name.


Click HERE to see the Projects own page!