A little help from above

Today is January 22nd, which means a year ago...Life and death took place within 24 hours.
We were at the end stages of our second attempt at pregnancy since Joey left us. (Our first attempt ended with a big fat negative on Christmas morning. How's that for a "how-do ya'-do, Christmas Present"?)
The procedure is a month long of tracking blood work, ultrasounds, and ohhh yea...the horrifically painful daily dose of a medicated shot to the stomach. The concentration is so intense, that my eyes literally bulge out of my head and just when I think I can't take it anymore, he withdraws the needle. Poor Joe. That can't be easy. It all comes down to the day when you are most fertile, which would be "tomorrow". Fingers crossed science does it's thing. That your body does what it's supposed to do. That God, this time, will give you a baby. But "today"...Joe's Grandfather died. The nerves of "tomorrow" quickly faded as we mourned the loss of a loved one. January 23rd turned out to be sureal. As I laid on the table, looking up at Joe...wishing, praying, BEGGING God to let this be the time...a true and honest sense of calm came over me. I felt Pop was going to aide in letting it work this time. We had someone "up there" who was on our side, and it worked. January 23rd was the start of creation of our little crumb bun! Thanks Pop...we KNOW you had something to do with it!

The last year has NOT been easy. 10 long months of constant worry and never really enjoying the pregnancy that I'm painfully aware could end in an instant. The constant questioning of every move I make. Am I bending over too much? Are these long car rides harming the baby at all? Am I accidentally sleeping on the wrong side? Am I on my feet too much? Is my Cervix holding out? Which lead to weekly ultrasounds. The constant, every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day...WORRY. The loss of a baby changes you. It alters your state of mind. You may believe that it is possible to get over the loss of a baby. You may not understand why one doesn't replace the other. But you can't, and it doesn't. Can you even imagine the emptiness, pain and sorrow? Granted...my heart and soul are filled with so much joy and content having my Rainbow baby in my arms. My purpose has been satisfied. My life has meaning. She needs me and I NEED her. But she is not my only child. She is the only child you will see and know, but she is not an only child.

I am eternally grateful for God giving me my turn, for Pop helping us get our girl, and for Joey always watching over her. She's our everything!

                                                                               Kessa holding her big brother

Gifts of Grief

How can a gift come from grief? Easily. It's the unanswered prayers, it's the man you marry after a horrific break up, it's the baby you have after a loss, and for this post...it's all about the friendships and sisters you gain while going through it. It's the oddest places and when you least expect it, that God places people in your life.
Tara and Miranda are my BLM soul sisters. They have both lost babies within weeks of me losing Joey. They also delivered their Rainbow babies within weeks of Kessa. These babies were chosen. These babies belong. They are the gifts of grief.
My other gifts of grief don't live close, they don't know my family, and they may not even share the same interests...but what they do know, is the pain and the joy that dance side by side in our daily lives.
People have asked "Are you over what happened to you now that you have your baby"? I speak for all 3 of us when I say WE WILL NEVER BE OVER IT. We didn't suffer from the flu; our child died. While we thank the Lord above for the miracle babies that fill our arms, we still shed tears for the babies that don't. As we lovingly nurture and stare at their little faces, it's impossible to not think "Would our angel look this"? These precious little ones are daily reminders of what was taken from us, and what the good Lord granted us. They are the gifts of grief.

I thank these girls...for their love, understanding and support. It's a connection like no other.
It's an unthinkable, unfair circumstance that we suffered, but you both are also my gifts of grief.

These girls are the faces of loss. They are also the faces of perseverance. These are the faces of strong women who have overcome such heartache. These are faces I'm proud to call my gifts of grief.

My Rainbow has appeared!

SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE! SHE'S FINALLY HERE!
After I lost her brother, the thought of actually holding a baby in my arms seemed a million dreams away.
After 10 months of pregnancy which consisted of shots, weekly doctors appointments, a specifically designed lifestyle regimen, and oh, let's not forget about the constant 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...WORRY.....my Rainbow is here. I don't know what 1 specific tactic worked for me...but it's not a regimen that I would change for the future. She arrived perfect. She arrived with a guardian angel on her shoulder protecting her all the way. She came out with an angel kiss on each eye lid, where her brother kissed her and told her to go mend the hearts of their parents. Joey hand picked Kessa out for us and he couldn't have done a better job. I thank God every day for the her and for allowing me to have a baby in my arms and be called MOM.

It's been a year

It's been a year. A year since the worst day of my life. A whole year since you left us. My life changed that day and it's about to change again. You did exactly what angels are supposed to do. Protect and provide. You've hand picked and protected our rainbow. I still cry everyday. A year isn't long enough to stop the tears, just like a lifetime isn't long enough to mend a heart.When I sit in your sister's nursery, I think about how you should have had a nursery. As I stack her books, I think about all the books I never got a chance to read to you. But what I can do for you, is build you a memorial garden. I don't know what the weather was last September 22nd because it was pitch black to me. This September 22nd is going to be filled with sunshine as I create this garden with love and memories. I'll watch it grow& flourish , as I should be watching you do. Happy 1st birthday/angelversary buddy.

So what did I do differently this time?
First, I read, read, read all I could about baby loss, and different doctors theory's on how to prevent subsequent losses. I learned that doctors treat based on a "within normal limits" approach. Well, any BLM will tell you...our situation isn't normal, and we certainly don't want to move forward being treated as such.
So I designed my own prenatal treatment care plan based on everything I read and persuaded both my OB and Perinatal (high risk) to agree. Truth be told, they both thought my treatment approach was over the top, but I didn't care. Especially if "over the top" gets me a healthy baby.
My plan: See my OB bi-weekly for cervical swabs for infection and testing for UTI's.
Weekly visits to my perinatal for a cervical length scan and ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid, heart rate and growth. Watching my baby grow was the highlight of my week. I also received weekly progesterone shots to calm my uterus.  I took a daily supplement of prenatal vitamin, Vitamin C, and pro-biotic.
No sex, no swimming, and no baths. I bought a home fetal heart monitor to listen to the baby's heartbeat before I could feel her significantly move on a daily basis. (that was more to keep me sane) I avoided most recreational activities, avoiding walking long distances and stayed off my feet when possible.
I don't know if one particular thing worked, if it was a combination of things or if none of these things mattered. All I do know is....I am waiting for my healthy baby girl to arrive any time now.
God is good and miracles DO happen.

Mother's Day 2013

It's Mother's Day, and it feels so bitter sweet. I'm mourning for the little guy who gave me the powerful title "Mother", while relishing in the fact that I'm caring for the little girl inside of me. I am a Mother of 2 children, neither which are in my arms.

This is my Gender reveal video..and a dedication to thank Joey for hand picking his sister for us.

Mother's Day

It's my first Mother's Day. Unfortunately, it's without my little boy.
This seems fitting:

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you’ll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

                                                                 Get it?... "A JOEY"

                                                                  
                                                                   

16 Weeks

16 Weeks is a time frame that resonates such harsh memories. I gave birth and lost Joey at exactly 16 weeks. That was all the time I had with him. That small amount of time, formed an unbreakable attachment.
I knew reaching 16 weeks with this little miracle was going to be a scary milestone. It was never a question of making it past the first 12 weeks. It was a question of, will I make it past 16? I have reached that milestone TODAY. I know I'm already ahead of the game. Little buddy is doing great!