We were at the end stages of our second attempt at pregnancy since Joey left us. (Our first attempt ended with a big fat negative on Christmas morning. How's that for a "how-do ya'-do, Christmas Present"?)
The procedure is a month long of tracking blood work, ultrasounds, and ohhh yea...the horrifically painful daily dose of a medicated shot to the stomach. The concentration is so intense, that my eyes literally bulge out of my head and just when I think I can't take it anymore, he withdraws the needle. Poor Joe. That can't be easy. It all comes down to the day when you are most fertile, which would be "tomorrow". Fingers crossed science does it's thing. That your body does what it's supposed to do. That God, this time, will give you a baby. But "today"...Joe's Grandfather died. The nerves of "tomorrow" quickly faded as we mourned the loss of a loved one. January 23rd turned out to be sureal. As I laid on the table, looking up at Joe...wishing, praying, BEGGING God to let this be the time...a true and honest sense of calm came over me. I felt Pop was going to aide in letting it work this time. We had someone "up there" who was on our side, and it worked. January 23rd was the start of creation of our little crumb bun! Thanks Pop...we KNOW you had something to do with it!
The last year has NOT been easy. 10 long months of constant worry and never really enjoying the pregnancy that I'm painfully aware could end in an instant. The constant questioning of every move I make. Am I bending over too much? Are these long car rides harming the baby at all? Am I accidentally sleeping on the wrong side? Am I on my feet too much? Is my Cervix holding out? Which lead to weekly ultrasounds. The constant, every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day...WORRY. The loss of a baby changes you. It alters your state of mind. You may believe that it is possible to get over the loss of a baby. You may not understand why one doesn't replace the other. But you can't, and it doesn't. Can you even imagine the emptiness, pain and sorrow? Granted...my heart and soul are filled with so much joy and content having my Rainbow baby in my arms. My purpose has been satisfied. My life has meaning. She needs me and I NEED her. But she is not my only child. She is the only child you will see and know, but she is not an only child.
I am eternally grateful for God giving me my turn, for Pop helping us get our girl, and for Joey always watching over her. She's our everything!
This pictures is absolutely beautiful :)
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