The cycle

7am and there I sat...in a waiting room full of hopefuls. Careful not to make eye contact upon arrival in fear of what they might think. What WHO might think? The 15 other women who have the same desperate look on their face as you do? As I finally glanced at each individual, I imagined what each woman's story might be. Was this their first time? Were they a veteran like me? Were any of them disguising heart breaks like myself? It didn't really matter. They were all there in hopes of a baby. To overcome their past failed conceptions. They were all hopeful. When one woman is called in and another on her way out, holding her arm where she just gave blood...I wonder, was this the test that identified a positive pregnancy for her? God I hope so. I hope so for each and every women who was called one by one. I know their routine. I know the heartbreak.  It starts with the initial first eager call on day 1 of your cycle. Followed up with blood work and an invasive ultrasound on day 3. Call the medical hot line number they give you and wait to hear your name on a list of all those hopefuls you saw in the waiting room. Listen to the instructions of what dose to inject of the highly potent follicle stimulating drug that burns so bad, you almost think your eyes bulge out of your head. Your nervous about how to mix the concoction, so you listen to the message again. You repeat these steps every 3 days. Blood work, ultrasound, message, freak out, concoction, inject, and so on...until your arms are bruised like a drug user and your stomach begins to resemble a pin cushion. You finally reach day 10, where the message on the list of many hopefuls, says after your name "Take your trigger shot, and we'll see you in the office in 36 hours". This is it!!..The moment where your life can change forever. You've been stimulating those bad boy follicles and boy oh boy are they ripe and rearing to go. It's clinical. It's not romantic or sexy, but it makes a baby anyhow. The love between us is no different despite the procedure we endure. We wait with crossed fingers and toes for 2 whole weeks...hoping that the efforts we put in, financially, emotionally and physically, all pay off. Only to see ..that first sign, when your pesty Aunt Flo insists on visiting...that it didn't work. And you start the whole process over again.
You see...I SEE those stories on their pretty, vulnerable, anxious, hopeful faces. So I ofter a gentle "I know" smile and proceed with my day.
THIS is how bad I want a child. THIS is what I must endure month after month to achieve this ever-so-easy for some, yet challenging goal for me.