It's been a year

It's been a year. A year since the worst day of my life. A whole year since you left us. My life changed that day and it's about to change again. You did exactly what angels are supposed to do. Protect and provide. You've hand picked and protected our rainbow. I still cry everyday. A year isn't long enough to stop the tears, just like a lifetime isn't long enough to mend a heart.When I sit in your sister's nursery, I think about how you should have had a nursery. As I stack her books, I think about all the books I never got a chance to read to you. But what I can do for you, is build you a memorial garden. I don't know what the weather was last September 22nd because it was pitch black to me. This September 22nd is going to be filled with sunshine as I create this garden with love and memories. I'll watch it grow& flourish , as I should be watching you do. Happy 1st birthday/angelversary buddy.

So what did I do differently this time?
First, I read, read, read all I could about baby loss, and different doctors theory's on how to prevent subsequent losses. I learned that doctors treat based on a "within normal limits" approach. Well, any BLM will tell you...our situation isn't normal, and we certainly don't want to move forward being treated as such.
So I designed my own prenatal treatment care plan based on everything I read and persuaded both my OB and Perinatal (high risk) to agree. Truth be told, they both thought my treatment approach was over the top, but I didn't care. Especially if "over the top" gets me a healthy baby.
My plan: See my OB bi-weekly for cervical swabs for infection and testing for UTI's.
Weekly visits to my perinatal for a cervical length scan and ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid, heart rate and growth. Watching my baby grow was the highlight of my week. I also received weekly progesterone shots to calm my uterus.  I took a daily supplement of prenatal vitamin, Vitamin C, and pro-biotic.
No sex, no swimming, and no baths. I bought a home fetal heart monitor to listen to the baby's heartbeat before I could feel her significantly move on a daily basis. (that was more to keep me sane) I avoided most recreational activities, avoiding walking long distances and stayed off my feet when possible.
I don't know if one particular thing worked, if it was a combination of things or if none of these things mattered. All I do know is....I am waiting for my healthy baby girl to arrive any time now.
God is good and miracles DO happen.

Mother's Day 2013

It's Mother's Day, and it feels so bitter sweet. I'm mourning for the little guy who gave me the powerful title "Mother", while relishing in the fact that I'm caring for the little girl inside of me. I am a Mother of 2 children, neither which are in my arms.

This is my Gender reveal video..and a dedication to thank Joey for hand picking his sister for us.

Mother's Day

It's my first Mother's Day. Unfortunately, it's without my little boy.
This seems fitting:

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you’ll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

                                                                 Get it?... "A JOEY"

                                                                  
                                                                   

16 Weeks

16 Weeks is a time frame that resonates such harsh memories. I gave birth and lost Joey at exactly 16 weeks. That was all the time I had with him. That small amount of time, formed an unbreakable attachment.
I knew reaching 16 weeks with this little miracle was going to be a scary milestone. It was never a question of making it past the first 12 weeks. It was a question of, will I make it past 16? I have reached that milestone TODAY. I know I'm already ahead of the game. Little buddy is doing great!

Waiting for my Rainbow.. to arrive in October!

Title of this blog says "Waiting for my Rainbow"...and folks, I couldn't be more happier to announce that I AM actually WAITING for my Rainbow. Due to make an appearance early October. My gut tells me September, b/c the irony of that would make it surreal  I lost a baby in September, and my rainbow shines in September.
It's been a tough journey for both Joe and I. Struggling through a loss, trying again immediately, and dealing with the emotions of a new pregnancy. I was filled with guilt that I was replacing Joey so soon, guilt for not being as happy as I should have been when I got a positive pregnancy test, and guilt that I was somehow taking away something magical for this new little person, b/c I was still struggling with such heartache.
I am learning to love this pregnancy more and more each day. I feel life inside of me, not only in my womb, but in my heart. I know this tiny little person was sent here by God and Joey, and they will change my life for the better!

The fluff of a baby book

As I sit here...glaring up at all my pregnancy books...I feel the urge to want to spit on the one titled " What to expect when you're expecting". What a load of crap that book is. Endless fluff of information.
Why did I even keep that useless book? Why doesn't it have a chapter on "BABIES CAN DIE". or "WHAT TO DO IF YOUR WATER PREMATURELY BREAKS". A check list for preemies...like make sure you have a name picked out, bring a camera, bring an outfit for the baby to be put in, how to make funeral arrangements, etc. Ok..I can see how my version wouldn't be a best seller, but the fluff of...you're nipples may become darker, just isn't relevant. You know who that book is designed for? 20 somethings, who are absorbed into themselves and who have time to stare at their changing nipples. "Comforting answers to questions like "Does talking on a cell phone hurt my baby? Will my baby suffer if I don't drink milk?" REALLY? THIS is what's on the mind of pregnant women? Dear God...what I wouldn't pay to have simple worries such as complexion problems while pregnant. How about more pressing issues like avoiding baths, proper kick counts, or how to catch early warning signs of a UTI. Or topics that cover placenta eruptions, heart beats that just stop, and cords wrapped around necks. Ya know...the things that matter.

Maybe I should write a book.. "What your friends don't tell you, and your doctors don't want you to know. The truth about what can happen during those 9 months"

Joey

It's March 8th. That date means nothing to anyone else..BUT ME. Today was your due date. You were supposed to be here by today. It's a weird day for me, but in my gut I know you would have already been here by now. You were just too big to not have come early. I'm sitting here typing this dumb blog, while I'm perfectly aware that I should be off nursing a newborn. But I'm not.
I've come along way in my grief journey. I am somewhere in between anger and acceptance. I think of you everyday and I know you're leading me to wonderful things.

Today...I shall share with the world WHO you are. I've kept it a secret far too long.

On September 22nd, 2012 at 6:20am, I had a little boy. 6 1/2 inches long and sure to be as tall as his daddy.
This beautiful baby boy will no longer be called "Baby Mamott".
Under NYS courts, We have officially named him...

JOSEPH " JOEY" MAMOTT

                               You're always going to be our little buddy