My conversation with God

I found God on the corner of "Easy Street" & "how did this become my life". We were all alone. He said ask anything. I asked where you been? Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days became dark. My life derailed. I fell to his knees, lost and insecure. Where were you? You were late. You found me, found me lying on the floor. This is not who I am; not who I want to be. Who I am is a fighter. Who I'm not is someone who gives up, and who I want to be is a Mother. No way to know if you were next to me. Where were you? Why did you wait? Am I always going to be alone? You found me.
He told me "I was with you. I never left you. I held you the whole time, and I haven't let go. How else do you think you got through this?"

Fun fall recipe

 

Here is my fun fall snack that I wanted to share with you.

Instead of snacking on candy while waiting for trick or treaters...snack on this!

 

Pumpkin Spice Chex Mix

 

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup butter

1 tablespoon pumpkin pie spice

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups Cinnamon chex cereal

2 cups Wheat chex cereal

2 cups Honey nut chex cereal

1 cup of honey roasted peanuts

Handful of yogurt coated raisins

Handful of Reeces Pieces

Handful of small chocolate chips

 

 

 

Mix brown sugar and pumpkin pie spice in a small bowl and set aside.

Mix together in a large bowl all the cereal & peanuts

Microwave butter untill melted and stir in vanilla.

Pour butter mixutre over cereal evenly and add sugar mixture until coated.

Spread evenly onto a baking pan and bake at 300 for 15 minutes, stiring every 5 minutes.

Once cooled, add in yogurt raisins, reeces pieces and chocolate chips.

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears in Heaven

"Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

HOPEFUL describes today

The results are in. Everything came back normal. Normal?? Normal doesn't lose babies. Basically, normal equates to "Sorry Kristina, you got a shitty deal". If everything with me is normal, how do you go on to protect your next baby? You can't. I'm not sure what sucks more...this happening to me the first time, or not being able to prevent it next time.
What they do know, is that a pin hole leak in my amniotic sac happened (on a wed.) and within 48 hours an infection had infiltrated my uterus & baby. The infection took over and 7 days later it ultimately broke my water. There was no going back. No moving forward. There was no hope. This is the in-between I speak of.
I am hopeful that I will soon start the dreaded fertility treatments again. I am hopefully that I will remain at the top of their radar screens. I am hopeful that by this time next year I will be blessed. I am hopeful that I will again create life. I am hopeful that I am on my road to recovery.

I read another baby-loss-mama's story where she confided that her parents adopted her & her sister from Korea. 2 years prior, they lost their baby. She goes on to describe how if her parents biological child had lived, they might not have adopted 2 little girls, and thus changing their lives forever. She wonders where she would have ended up and what kind of life would she have. That baby went on to become an angel and help direct 2 little girls lives.To help form an unexpected beautiful little family..that otherwise wouldn't have been. One of those little Korean girls is now 30, and recently suffered a loss of her own. She often thinks about her little angel and wonders what kind of ripple his little stone will make in the pond of life. Nothing good comes from the death of an infant, but it can change the world.

I am HOPEFUL that one day I will see how my baby's short lived life... has made an impact on this world.

An "In-between" advocate

I've always been the type to make things happen in my life. I wanted to move out of state...so I did.    I picked up and went. No job, no source of income, no real plan. I just went and figured it out. I knew I wanted a boxer as my side kick. I would visit shelters in the area twice a week to see the new dogs brought it. I would check website after website, but not just any dog would do. I would know when I found "the one". After 6 months of searching...I found her. She was in PA, scared, mistreated and alone. She was mine. I drove hours there and back to get her, and I knew upon meeting her, I found my soul mate named Anna. I wanted to meet my husband, and no other jafaffs were cutting it...so I went to an online dating site and made a profile. I was the one to contact him. What was I gonna do, sit around and wait for my doorbell to ring with prince charming on the other side of the door? Highly unlikely, so I went looking. (we all know how awesome that turned out for me) I wanted a career change, so I went back to school at 33. Most people would be scared to do it so late in life, but not me. I now have another degree. So when it came to making a baby, and the old fashioned way just wasn't working, I sought help. I passed over my OBGYN and went right to a fertility specialist. I had a need..a need so strong, that I was going to seek help in any way I can. Fertility assistance isn't cheap. I would sell things, cut back on certain things, and go without, just to afford the costly treatments.
And now I'm in this situation. I've been knocked down, bruised & broken, but more knowledgeable than before. More prepared than before. Unfortunately, more jaded than before. If  I've gone after everything  I want my entire life, why the hell wouldn't I fight tooth and nail to get the one thing I desire more than anything? I thought you get pregnant and you have a baby. That's it. But truth be told, there is a whole in-between to that. Not many people know about, and hardly ever discuss it. Babies die in the in-between. I am now educated about that scary in-betweens. Knowledge is power. My need to be a Mother far out weighs the fears of pregnancy I have. With this power I have organized a team of doctors in my corner to include my fertility specialist, my OBGYN and now a high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor, all to monitor me closely with a fine tooth comb. I will be seen by one of those doctors once a week. Even if it's just to hear the heartbeat. It may be over kill, but you NEED to be your own advocate. This isn't their life story...it's mine. This CANT happen again. Not to me. I wont recover.You need to learn as much as you can to protect yourself and your body. Living in the "in-between" in no place you want to be...and I swear to God that I'm going to give it MY BEST effort to NEVER be in between again.

Mind games

I sang for the first time today since Sept. 22nd. I'm confused by this. Why am I keeping score of this? Does it mean I'm slowly healing? Your mind plays games, in order to keep you in check. I think about the initial pain, and how it's slowly inching its way out of my being. I don't want to think of a future without my baby & it feels like the world is forcing me to. Am I healing? I don't want to heal. I want to rip that scab open. My baby is gone & I'm still alive. Everything with that statement is just so wrong.

If someone was as physically damaged & broken as I am emotionally, they would be in a body cast. But with me, you don't see the damage. There is no cast, no bruises, & no blood. They don't know that I've been in a different world wandering aimlessly, lost and alone. I need a heart cast.

If you know someone dealing with baby loss

We understand that the death of a baby can be uncomfortable and people are timid when it comes to discussing the loss. It is impossible for you to understand the depth of the pain we suffer.

Here are some things to keep in mind:
This cruel situation HAPPENED to me. I am not contagious. I will not go up to you and rub your belly and spread some death on you. Don't treat me like I am.

I have joined a community filled with hundreds of thousands of women on a mission to increase social awareness and erase the social taboo of pregnancy & infant loss.

We have lost the most important person in the world to us and we will grieve their loss for the rest of our lives. Please do not feel as though you need to "fix" this by saying "you can have another" or "you'll move on". Despite your best intentions, those comments don't help. If something happened to one of your siblings, no one would walk up to your parents and say "Well at least you have other children". We know we will have other children. Nothing can replace the one we lost.

Please acknowledge that our baby did exist & that we are parents. I dread that this baby will be forgotten someday.

More than just losing a baby, we lost out on a lifetime of dreams and hopes we had for them.

I do find a small ounce of comfort knowing that our baby was never alone, always fed and never cold. THAT is what I was able to do for them. I was a loving Mother for their 4 month (too-short) life.

I hope to someday discover the lesson in all this. I hope I at least inspired you to be more understanding, be a better parent, and ultimately help in your awareness of this devastating cause.

This video was made to share the overwhelming joy I was feeling, knowing that Joe & I created a heavenly life. I'll never forget that feeling. I'll never forget my first born.